My old friend, Ranz, suggested that I should just blog my torment. I told her I could try but I couldn't think of anything to write in spite of the emotional stress I'm facing. Then I heard a familiar song from Eraserheads, so here it is.
Torpe Complex
Weather. Maybe I should ask about the weather. No, too cliche. No, no, no, I should think of another topic. God, why do I always find it hard to talk to her? I mean, I'm a loud-mouth. In school, when I'm with my friends, I never run out of topics to discuss. But with her...
Quite a funny weather, isn't it?
Huh?
The weather. Earlier this morning its cloudy and gloomy, but now its freaking hot.
Yeah, I noticed that too. Its the middle of October and its as sunny as a fried egg.
Oh good, good, its working. Small talk, I finally did it. We've been walking for minutes and we only shared 'uh huh' and 'oh'. Now, from that topic, maybe I should expand or..
Its the global warming kicking in.
Huh?
Oh shit, its my voice, its so low, she can't hear me, what the hell is wrong with me?! I always speak loud when I'm drinking out or having fun with my friends. But now I can't even utter a word without repeating it.
I mean, its because of the Global warming, that's why the weather has been pretty messed up lately....
Ohh, yeah, the Global warming.
Oh Jesus, I'm boring her. Of course she doesn't want to talk about Global warming, I'm a fucking idiot.
Huh?
Ha? Oh, nothing...
Okay, okay, its not too late yet. We still have a couple of yards ahead of us before we reach the LRT station. I can still think of another way to talk with her...
Mrs. Sanchez is a little unfair earlier, don't you think?
My goodness, she's talking to me. She's talking to me, finally! I must think of the right answer to keep this conversation rolling...
A little, I guess...
I mean, the exam wasn't even in her lecture. And then, I reviewed my notes all night and none of it even appeared on the test. Its so unfair.
Is she unfair? I don't know, I kind of figured out what the test is gonna be. She gave us the name of the books she made as reference for the lectures. I happened to buy some of it at Recto, then read some pages. The exam is pretty easy actually. No, no, I shouldn't disagree with her.
Yeah, she is a little unfair.
You think so? I don't believe you. I bet you'll gonna ace this test. You're always the highest in our exams, you're very intelligent.
Oh, shit, she's mocking me. What should I say...
No, no, I'm not, I'm just... I'm just what? I'm just what? I'm just what? Come on! lucky. I guess...
Lucky, you say? Well, I guess I should stick around you a little often, might be your luck will rub off with me.
Ha ha ha! Or you should sit beside me during exams..
Yeah, and peek at your paper when I don't know the answer.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Good, we're laughing. I'm making her laugh, she's so beautiful when she laughs... If only I can stroke her cheeks.. that would be heaven. And brush her long dark hair and... and God, those eyes, those pretty brown eyes... I could melt with just one look from those... and her nose, its a little stubby, yes, but it looks good with her. I couldn't imagine her with any other nose. And her buck teeth, I love her buck teeth. Its so cute she's like a rabbit. A pretty little bunny...
What?
Huh?
Is there something wrong, you're.. you're staring at me
Ah, no, its just... Come on, come on, come on!! What am I gonna say? your.. your teeth, I just noticed.
Oh, yeah, I know, its ugly...
Yeah... I mean, no..
When I was young, I was stubborn. I was afraid to pull my tooth off, so the new one grew in front... that's why I'm so ugly.
No, I don't think you're ugly..
You're lying.
I'm not. I think you're.. you're very... Come on, say it, say it, say it!!! beautiful.
You think.
No, no, no, I'm making her upset.. what should I say? What should I say...
Well, beauty is subjective, right? We have different views about...
Oh, we're here already. Ok, so I'll be up the station.
Alright. Oh shit, she's mad at me.
Bye.
Bye. Thanks for letting me walk with you... And she's gone. Oh God, now she's mad at me. What did I say wrong!?! I'm a walking disaster. I should just hang myself. Why!?!?!?!
Think of anything. Anything. I don't want him to think that I'm a boring person. I've been dreaming of this moment for like, days, and now I'm here, I can't do it right. Why?
Quite a funny weather, isn't it?
Yes! He finally spoke. Ok, ok, I should think of something to say about the weather. Ok, so its sunny.. but what's funny with being sunny?
Huh?
The weather. Earlier this morning its cloudy and gloomy, but now its freaking hot.
Oh yes. When I went off from the house I almost thought its gonna rain. I even tripped returning home because I forgot my umbrella. Oh wait, no, I should not say that, he might think I'm clumsy and careless.
Yeah, I noticed that too. Its the middle of October and its as sunny as a fried egg. Egg? Egg?!? I'm comparing the weather with an egg? Nooo. He'll think I'm stupid.
Its the global warming kicking in.
The global warming. Yes, the global warming... ice caps are melting, there's a hole in the ozone layer, that's Global warming, right?
Huh?
I mean, its because of the Global warming, that's why the weather has been pretty messed up lately....
I should say something about Global warming. Something. Anything. He'll think I'm an idiot who has no concern for the environment. But what?! I'm not even sure what Global warming is. I mean, I've heard about it, I've seen it on National Geographic but I haven't really paid attention...
Ohh, yeah, the Global warming.
That's it? 'Oh yeah, the Global warming'? I'm such an
Idiot.
Huh?
Nooo! Now he thinks I'm an idiot. The man I've been dreaming about now thinks I'm an idiot. What am I gonna do?
Ha? Oh, nothing...
Maybe I should just run off at the middle of the street so that some random truck would hit me, then I'll be dead and its all done... No, no, no. He might laugh at me if I do that. Then he'll tell his friends 'you know, our stupid classmate yesterday was ran over by a truck because she crossed the street without looking.' And then, they'll laugh at me. Yeah, laugh, he always laughs loud at school, when he's talking with his friends. But now, he's not even talking to me. Does that mean he doesn't like me? He's not enjoying my company? What am I gonna do? He's the only guy I like. I've been dreaming about him since first year. And now, we're here together, walking, and he doesn't even wanna talk to me. I should think of something.
Mrs. Sanchez is a little unfair earlier, don't you think?
Our exam, right, our exam. Although I don't think he'll agree with me. He's the best in our class, he always gets the highest score in all our tests.
A little, I guess...
I mean, the exam wasn't even in her lecture. And then, I reviewed my notes all night and none of it even appeared on the test. Its so unfair.
Why did I say that? Why did I say that? Now, he'll think I'm ranting, and that I'm good at nothing but complain. He'll think I'm just some clumsy, stupid, whiny girl.
Yeah, she is a little unfair.
Yes, he's a nice guy. He's not like one of those jerks, he won't say I'm clumsy, stupid and whiny. Not in front of me though.
You think so? I don't believe you. I bet you'll gonna ace this test. You're always the highest in our exams, you're very intelligent.
Wrong again! Why? Why am I saying the wrong things?! Now he'll figure out that I like him. And then he wont talk to me anymore, might be he'll think I'm a stalker and he'll move school and we'll never see each other again.
No, no, I'm not, I'm just.. lucky. I guess...
Lucky, you say? Well, I guess I should stick around you a little often, might be your luck will rub off with me.
My mouth! My stupid little mouth! Now he'll think I'm some clingy girl who wants nothing but stick around with him. Boys don't like clingy girls.
Ha ha ha! Or you should sit beside me during exams..
Yeah, and peek at your paper when I don't know the answer.
Why!?!? Why is this happening to me!? Now he'll think I'm a cheater. He'll think I'll only sit beside him so I can copy his answers.
Ha ha ha!
He's laughing. He's laughing at me...
Ha ha ha!
I'm gonna die. I think I'm going to die.
Its all ruined. There's nothing I can do anymore. What am I thinking? Oh no, he's looking at me, he's staring at me. Oh no, my cheeks are so oily, I didn't had time to retouch. And my hair, it's a mess, with all the tangles and split ends. My eyes, my nose, my teeth, they're so ugly. Especially my teeth. I shouldn't open my mouth.
What?
Huh?
Is there something wrong, you're.. you're staring at me with those pretty little squinty eyes. If you only know how much I'm melting from the inside right now.
Ah, no, its just... your.. your teeth, I just noticed.
I knew it. He's looking at my teeth.
Oh, yeah, I know, its ugly...
Yeah... I mean, no..
He thinks I'm ugly. There's no chance he's gonna like me now.
When I was young, I was stubborn. I was afraid to pull my tooth off, so the new one grew in front... that's why I'm so ugly.
No use explaining it, he still thinks I'm ugly. And I'm stubborn when I was a kid.
No, I don't think you're ugly..
You're lying.
I'm not. I think you're.. you're very...beautiful.
He hesitated. He's just being nice. Of course he's being nice. He's a gentleman. He wouldn't say I'm ugly in front of me.
You think.
Well, beauty is subjective, right? We have different views about...
Its no use. He thinks I'm ugly. And he wouldn't talk to me anymore. I guess, I should just..
Oh, we're here already. Ok, so I'll be up the station.
Alright.
Bye.
Bye.
My dream guy. He's gone. No more. I'm forever alone.
Torpe Complex
Weather. Maybe I should ask about the weather. No, too cliche. No, no, no, I should think of another topic. God, why do I always find it hard to talk to her? I mean, I'm a loud-mouth. In school, when I'm with my friends, I never run out of topics to discuss. But with her...
Quite a funny weather, isn't it?
Huh?
The weather. Earlier this morning its cloudy and gloomy, but now its freaking hot.
Yeah, I noticed that too. Its the middle of October and its as sunny as a fried egg.
Oh good, good, its working. Small talk, I finally did it. We've been walking for minutes and we only shared 'uh huh' and 'oh'. Now, from that topic, maybe I should expand or..
Its the global warming kicking in.
Huh?
Oh shit, its my voice, its so low, she can't hear me, what the hell is wrong with me?! I always speak loud when I'm drinking out or having fun with my friends. But now I can't even utter a word without repeating it.
I mean, its because of the Global warming, that's why the weather has been pretty messed up lately....
Ohh, yeah, the Global warming.
Oh Jesus, I'm boring her. Of course she doesn't want to talk about Global warming, I'm a fucking idiot.
Huh?
Ha? Oh, nothing...
Okay, okay, its not too late yet. We still have a couple of yards ahead of us before we reach the LRT station. I can still think of another way to talk with her...
Mrs. Sanchez is a little unfair earlier, don't you think?
My goodness, she's talking to me. She's talking to me, finally! I must think of the right answer to keep this conversation rolling...
A little, I guess...
I mean, the exam wasn't even in her lecture. And then, I reviewed my notes all night and none of it even appeared on the test. Its so unfair.
Is she unfair? I don't know, I kind of figured out what the test is gonna be. She gave us the name of the books she made as reference for the lectures. I happened to buy some of it at Recto, then read some pages. The exam is pretty easy actually. No, no, I shouldn't disagree with her.
Yeah, she is a little unfair.
You think so? I don't believe you. I bet you'll gonna ace this test. You're always the highest in our exams, you're very intelligent.
Oh, shit, she's mocking me. What should I say...
No, no, I'm not, I'm just... I'm just what? I'm just what? I'm just what? Come on! lucky. I guess...
Lucky, you say? Well, I guess I should stick around you a little often, might be your luck will rub off with me.
Ha ha ha! Or you should sit beside me during exams..
Yeah, and peek at your paper when I don't know the answer.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Good, we're laughing. I'm making her laugh, she's so beautiful when she laughs... If only I can stroke her cheeks.. that would be heaven. And brush her long dark hair and... and God, those eyes, those pretty brown eyes... I could melt with just one look from those... and her nose, its a little stubby, yes, but it looks good with her. I couldn't imagine her with any other nose. And her buck teeth, I love her buck teeth. Its so cute she's like a rabbit. A pretty little bunny...
What?
Huh?
Is there something wrong, you're.. you're staring at me
Ah, no, its just... Come on, come on, come on!! What am I gonna say? your.. your teeth, I just noticed.
Oh, yeah, I know, its ugly...
Yeah... I mean, no..
When I was young, I was stubborn. I was afraid to pull my tooth off, so the new one grew in front... that's why I'm so ugly.
No, I don't think you're ugly..
You're lying.
I'm not. I think you're.. you're very... Come on, say it, say it, say it!!! beautiful.
You think.
No, no, no, I'm making her upset.. what should I say? What should I say...
Well, beauty is subjective, right? We have different views about...
Oh, we're here already. Ok, so I'll be up the station.
Alright. Oh shit, she's mad at me.
Bye.
Bye. Thanks for letting me walk with you... And she's gone. Oh God, now she's mad at me. What did I say wrong!?! I'm a walking disaster. I should just hang myself. Why!?!?!?!
Think of anything. Anything. I don't want him to think that I'm a boring person. I've been dreaming of this moment for like, days, and now I'm here, I can't do it right. Why?
Quite a funny weather, isn't it?
Yes! He finally spoke. Ok, ok, I should think of something to say about the weather. Ok, so its sunny.. but what's funny with being sunny?
Huh?
The weather. Earlier this morning its cloudy and gloomy, but now its freaking hot.
Oh yes. When I went off from the house I almost thought its gonna rain. I even tripped returning home because I forgot my umbrella. Oh wait, no, I should not say that, he might think I'm clumsy and careless.
Yeah, I noticed that too. Its the middle of October and its as sunny as a fried egg. Egg? Egg?!? I'm comparing the weather with an egg? Nooo. He'll think I'm stupid.
Its the global warming kicking in.
The global warming. Yes, the global warming... ice caps are melting, there's a hole in the ozone layer, that's Global warming, right?
Huh?
I mean, its because of the Global warming, that's why the weather has been pretty messed up lately....
I should say something about Global warming. Something. Anything. He'll think I'm an idiot who has no concern for the environment. But what?! I'm not even sure what Global warming is. I mean, I've heard about it, I've seen it on National Geographic but I haven't really paid attention...
Ohh, yeah, the Global warming.
That's it? 'Oh yeah, the Global warming'? I'm such an
Idiot.
Huh?
Nooo! Now he thinks I'm an idiot. The man I've been dreaming about now thinks I'm an idiot. What am I gonna do?
Ha? Oh, nothing...
Maybe I should just run off at the middle of the street so that some random truck would hit me, then I'll be dead and its all done... No, no, no. He might laugh at me if I do that. Then he'll tell his friends 'you know, our stupid classmate yesterday was ran over by a truck because she crossed the street without looking.' And then, they'll laugh at me. Yeah, laugh, he always laughs loud at school, when he's talking with his friends. But now, he's not even talking to me. Does that mean he doesn't like me? He's not enjoying my company? What am I gonna do? He's the only guy I like. I've been dreaming about him since first year. And now, we're here together, walking, and he doesn't even wanna talk to me. I should think of something.
Mrs. Sanchez is a little unfair earlier, don't you think?
Our exam, right, our exam. Although I don't think he'll agree with me. He's the best in our class, he always gets the highest score in all our tests.
A little, I guess...
I mean, the exam wasn't even in her lecture. And then, I reviewed my notes all night and none of it even appeared on the test. Its so unfair.
Why did I say that? Why did I say that? Now, he'll think I'm ranting, and that I'm good at nothing but complain. He'll think I'm just some clumsy, stupid, whiny girl.
Yeah, she is a little unfair.
Yes, he's a nice guy. He's not like one of those jerks, he won't say I'm clumsy, stupid and whiny. Not in front of me though.
You think so? I don't believe you. I bet you'll gonna ace this test. You're always the highest in our exams, you're very intelligent.
Wrong again! Why? Why am I saying the wrong things?! Now he'll figure out that I like him. And then he wont talk to me anymore, might be he'll think I'm a stalker and he'll move school and we'll never see each other again.
No, no, I'm not, I'm just.. lucky. I guess...
Lucky, you say? Well, I guess I should stick around you a little often, might be your luck will rub off with me.
My mouth! My stupid little mouth! Now he'll think I'm some clingy girl who wants nothing but stick around with him. Boys don't like clingy girls.
Ha ha ha! Or you should sit beside me during exams..
Yeah, and peek at your paper when I don't know the answer.
Why!?!? Why is this happening to me!? Now he'll think I'm a cheater. He'll think I'll only sit beside him so I can copy his answers.
Ha ha ha!
He's laughing. He's laughing at me...
Ha ha ha!
I'm gonna die. I think I'm going to die.
Its all ruined. There's nothing I can do anymore. What am I thinking? Oh no, he's looking at me, he's staring at me. Oh no, my cheeks are so oily, I didn't had time to retouch. And my hair, it's a mess, with all the tangles and split ends. My eyes, my nose, my teeth, they're so ugly. Especially my teeth. I shouldn't open my mouth.
What?
Huh?
Is there something wrong, you're.. you're staring at me with those pretty little squinty eyes. If you only know how much I'm melting from the inside right now.
Ah, no, its just... your.. your teeth, I just noticed.
I knew it. He's looking at my teeth.
Oh, yeah, I know, its ugly...
Yeah... I mean, no..
He thinks I'm ugly. There's no chance he's gonna like me now.
When I was young, I was stubborn. I was afraid to pull my tooth off, so the new one grew in front... that's why I'm so ugly.
No use explaining it, he still thinks I'm ugly. And I'm stubborn when I was a kid.
No, I don't think you're ugly..
You're lying.
I'm not. I think you're.. you're very...beautiful.
He hesitated. He's just being nice. Of course he's being nice. He's a gentleman. He wouldn't say I'm ugly in front of me.
You think.
Well, beauty is subjective, right? We have different views about...
Its no use. He thinks I'm ugly. And he wouldn't talk to me anymore. I guess, I should just..
Oh, we're here already. Ok, so I'll be up the station.
Alright.
Bye.
Bye.
My dream guy. He's gone. No more. I'm forever alone.
