I wrote this in Reddit as a sort of exercise to help me off my writer's block. I never intended for this to be this long, so I'm posting it here as well since it's been a while since I last blogged.
I saw my crush's pictures on Facebook today... sigh..
I met her when i went to Malaysia some years ago. A friend of mine who works in Kuala Lumpur let me stay in their apartment for a day, and that's when I first saw her. It was early in the morning when I arrived, and I was worried that I woke them up too early. As I came in, she and their one other room mate got out of their rooms and we were introduced to each other. I found her interesting for that moment, though I couldn't point my finger why.
My friend and her room mates agreed to accompany me on my tour of the city, so they prepped up that morning, eating lunch and watching movies while doing so. They played the film "One More Chance" on the TV, and it's the first time I saw it. Coming out from a break up, I easily related to the film. So when one particular scene where this one character committed suicide and he was brought to the hospital, joined by John Lloyd and Bea's characters and the he gave this heart breaking monologue, I cried. I couldn't help it, so I ran to their kitchen and wiped my face clean. When i returned, they started teasing me for crying on a movie. I told a bullshit excuse how their room is smoky, but of course they didn't buy it. They laughed about it and I felt a little embarrassed.
So that afternoon we toured Kuala Lumpur. We rode taxis, buses, the monorail, but most of the time we just walked. I couldn't remember how far and long we've been walking but we didn't feel tired. The day culminated with us eating dinner at KL City Centre beside the Petronas Towers. As we were watching the dancing fountain by the foot of the twin skyscrapers, I realized something: I like this girl. I whispered about it to my friend but she told me she has a boyfriend. As I went home to manila the following day, I felt happy that I met this wonderful girl, but also a bit sad that I would probably never see her again. Fortunately, we added each other on Facebook before we parted ways.
But i never contacted her. I "liked" her pics, left short comments on some of her statuses but that's all it. She has a boyfriend, I have to move on and forget about her.
But i can't.
A year later, my friend's boyfriend broke the news to me: she and her boyfriend broke up. I contacted my friend immediately, and confirmed it for me. You can call me a jerk, but damn, I was so happy. I felt that this is my chance, my opportunity, but i didn't want to end up as a rebound boyfriend either. I believe that what I feel for her is genuine and sincere, if I'm gonna do this, I have to do it the right way. She's heart broken, and she needs time to heal first. I've been in her situation before and I know that barging in her life that time will not help in her moving on. So I took my time. I waited. I counted the months.
One day, I received a notification on Facebook: she "liked" the recent picture I posted. It was nothing. She already "liked" some of my pictures before, so it's not actually a big deal for me. It was nothing, yet it was something. I felt the universe whisper to my ear, it was like the planets aligning with each other or the moon blocking off the sun. This is the moment. This is the right time. So i messaged her on Facebook, every finger on my hand shaking, trembling as I type the words. And as I pressed enter, I felt my heart stop for a second. It's like in the action movies, where the hero and the villain face off and have a duel, you hear a gunshot and you hold on to your seat, waiting for the first man to fall down. and just like in the movies where the protagonist slowly climbs up a cliff after the audiences thought he fell down, I felt jubilant when she replied. I almost cried, rolling sideways on my bad as I celebrate in "kilig" of my triumphant joy.
Every night since then was a wonderful night for me. It didn't bother me that i have no regular job (aside from teaching part time) and that the clients from my freelance streak are a bunch of assholes. I was happy because she's there, on the other end of the internet line, talking to me. We caught up on each other from when we parted ways in Kuala Lumpur. She told me that she recently got back here in the Philippines. I told her that I left my job, my dream job some months ago, and is now a proud free lancer. We easily connected to each other, like some childhood friends who lost communication for several years. We shared stories, teased each other, we talked about anything, but each night always ends up the same: me rolling side to side on my bed, kicking my feet up in the air, drowning in "kilig".
I can't say I'm in love with her, but i can say that what i feel for her is not just a crush. Or maybe it's just a crush, but I don't care, I like what I feel, and there is nothing more I want in this Earth than to die having this feeling in my chest. They could shove my dead body inside a coffin and dump soil and rocks over my grinning face and write "the happiest man to die" on my epitaph for all I care. But there's still one thing missing: I have to see her. so I searched the internet for any interesting ways that I can ask her out, but nothing. Out of desperation, I asked her if we could watch a movie together. I never expected her to say yes feeling that it was the lamest and uncreative way to ask a girl out, but she said yes anyway. So that Thursday, I took a haircut, finally took a haircut from an expensive salon and took out the most classy attire i could come up with. Luckily, I have classes that day, so I have an excuse for being overdressed. We agreed to meet up at Makati and there we watched two aliens beat up each other until the one wearing blue spandex snaps the other's head off as the world crumbles down behind them. The movie sucked according to a few critics, but I didn't really care. All I know was that she was finally there, sitting beside me. It was heaven.
After that night, we continued our daily routine. From Facebook messaging, we went to texting, and then to calling. We went out one more time, after i cooked her my specialty "ulam" and ate lunch at her apartment. Week after week after week, all i ever wanted was to talk to her, be with her, spend time with her.
Days into her birthday, I decided to buy her a gift. I bought her a stuffed-bunny, noticing that she's fond of rabbits. In my head, I would go to her apartment, give her my gift and confess my feelings for her. What i didn't know was that she planned to spend her birthday in Bohol with her mother and brother and her best friends. So i waited until she got back to manila. That Sunday, i went to her apartment, bringing a cake and her birthday gift. I didn't confess to her like I planned, but I felt satisfied.
Days dragged on and things started to change. Or maybe it was just me over thinking. Nevertheless, I never stopped texting her, even if her replies arrived one or two days too late. She said she was busy, so I made myself busy too, just so I can stop thinking about her. I applied for a job, and searched for an apartment so I can move out. I got a job, and found an apartment, and I'm ready to start a new chapter in my life. All that's missing was her. We still talked but not as frequent as before. but never have I stopped thinking about her. But something else is missing, like a clock with a fallen gear. I've been building up this feeling inside my chest, and I have to let it go, or I will explode. I have to tell her, I said to myself. I need to. She might not feel the same but I don't care. I'm telling her, and even if she ends up rejecting me, what matters is I told her what I feel. That's what's missing.
So one day i texted her and told her that I'll be waiting outside her building after office hours. I bought a rose and practiced my speech like in those classic fancy romantic movies. If I'm gonna confess my feelings, I'm gonna do it like how I always imagined doing it. I may get rejected, but at least I did my very best. I waited, ready for whatever answer she might say. I waited that night, and the seconds turned to minutes, and the minutes into hours. I waited, all night, but she never came.
I went home to my apartment feeling disappointed as I threw the rose into a random garbage bin.
The next morning she messaged me through Facebook asking me why I
left more than fifteen missed calls. Then it dawned on me: what the
fuck did i do? I scrambled for something, anything, a witty reply, a
smart-ass one liner to get me out of the big embarrassing mess I've
put myself into. I gave her an ambiguous response of how I missed her
that night, but even I myself found it ridiculously and annoyingly
stupid. She didn't reply and all i got was a short notice saying
"seen xx/xx/2013"
What have i done, i asked myself, looking at her office building a few blocks away from the building where I work in now. I ruined it. I didn't know what to do next. It was perfect, what we had was perfect. It was all i ever wanted, and now it's all gone. I stood there at the open glass of our office, watching my world crumble down in front of me, like in that movie we saw the first time. And as i search for an answer, I blocked her on Facebook. I listened to my friend as she call on me for doing something stupid. I ignored her advice to add her and message her again. I looked at myself in the mirror and get amazed at how unbelievably stupid I am. Who in his right mind would cover up his stupid mistakes by doing another stupid mistake? The answer... me.
It's been months since then, the only connection left between us now are the common Facebook friends we used to have. There are times I remember her, so i open her Facebook account, look at her beautiful profile photo and hover my mouse on a button that says "add friend" but i never clicked. A few times her photo would pop up as she's tagged by some of our common friends, and I get an update of what she's doing in her life. I would search for her face as I walk through the streets of BGC, hoping that I would bump into her, but I think the universe have had enough of me. No more, it says, I helped you one time, you're on your own now.
I saw my crush's pictures on Facebook today, and I sigh as I look back and remember the few moments we spent together.
I saw my crush's pictures on Facebook today... sigh..
I met her when i went to Malaysia some years ago. A friend of mine who works in Kuala Lumpur let me stay in their apartment for a day, and that's when I first saw her. It was early in the morning when I arrived, and I was worried that I woke them up too early. As I came in, she and their one other room mate got out of their rooms and we were introduced to each other. I found her interesting for that moment, though I couldn't point my finger why.
My friend and her room mates agreed to accompany me on my tour of the city, so they prepped up that morning, eating lunch and watching movies while doing so. They played the film "One More Chance" on the TV, and it's the first time I saw it. Coming out from a break up, I easily related to the film. So when one particular scene where this one character committed suicide and he was brought to the hospital, joined by John Lloyd and Bea's characters and the he gave this heart breaking monologue, I cried. I couldn't help it, so I ran to their kitchen and wiped my face clean. When i returned, they started teasing me for crying on a movie. I told a bullshit excuse how their room is smoky, but of course they didn't buy it. They laughed about it and I felt a little embarrassed.
So that afternoon we toured Kuala Lumpur. We rode taxis, buses, the monorail, but most of the time we just walked. I couldn't remember how far and long we've been walking but we didn't feel tired. The day culminated with us eating dinner at KL City Centre beside the Petronas Towers. As we were watching the dancing fountain by the foot of the twin skyscrapers, I realized something: I like this girl. I whispered about it to my friend but she told me she has a boyfriend. As I went home to manila the following day, I felt happy that I met this wonderful girl, but also a bit sad that I would probably never see her again. Fortunately, we added each other on Facebook before we parted ways.
But i never contacted her. I "liked" her pics, left short comments on some of her statuses but that's all it. She has a boyfriend, I have to move on and forget about her.
But i can't.
A year later, my friend's boyfriend broke the news to me: she and her boyfriend broke up. I contacted my friend immediately, and confirmed it for me. You can call me a jerk, but damn, I was so happy. I felt that this is my chance, my opportunity, but i didn't want to end up as a rebound boyfriend either. I believe that what I feel for her is genuine and sincere, if I'm gonna do this, I have to do it the right way. She's heart broken, and she needs time to heal first. I've been in her situation before and I know that barging in her life that time will not help in her moving on. So I took my time. I waited. I counted the months.
One day, I received a notification on Facebook: she "liked" the recent picture I posted. It was nothing. She already "liked" some of my pictures before, so it's not actually a big deal for me. It was nothing, yet it was something. I felt the universe whisper to my ear, it was like the planets aligning with each other or the moon blocking off the sun. This is the moment. This is the right time. So i messaged her on Facebook, every finger on my hand shaking, trembling as I type the words. And as I pressed enter, I felt my heart stop for a second. It's like in the action movies, where the hero and the villain face off and have a duel, you hear a gunshot and you hold on to your seat, waiting for the first man to fall down. and just like in the movies where the protagonist slowly climbs up a cliff after the audiences thought he fell down, I felt jubilant when she replied. I almost cried, rolling sideways on my bad as I celebrate in "kilig" of my triumphant joy.
Every night since then was a wonderful night for me. It didn't bother me that i have no regular job (aside from teaching part time) and that the clients from my freelance streak are a bunch of assholes. I was happy because she's there, on the other end of the internet line, talking to me. We caught up on each other from when we parted ways in Kuala Lumpur. She told me that she recently got back here in the Philippines. I told her that I left my job, my dream job some months ago, and is now a proud free lancer. We easily connected to each other, like some childhood friends who lost communication for several years. We shared stories, teased each other, we talked about anything, but each night always ends up the same: me rolling side to side on my bed, kicking my feet up in the air, drowning in "kilig".
I can't say I'm in love with her, but i can say that what i feel for her is not just a crush. Or maybe it's just a crush, but I don't care, I like what I feel, and there is nothing more I want in this Earth than to die having this feeling in my chest. They could shove my dead body inside a coffin and dump soil and rocks over my grinning face and write "the happiest man to die" on my epitaph for all I care. But there's still one thing missing: I have to see her. so I searched the internet for any interesting ways that I can ask her out, but nothing. Out of desperation, I asked her if we could watch a movie together. I never expected her to say yes feeling that it was the lamest and uncreative way to ask a girl out, but she said yes anyway. So that Thursday, I took a haircut, finally took a haircut from an expensive salon and took out the most classy attire i could come up with. Luckily, I have classes that day, so I have an excuse for being overdressed. We agreed to meet up at Makati and there we watched two aliens beat up each other until the one wearing blue spandex snaps the other's head off as the world crumbles down behind them. The movie sucked according to a few critics, but I didn't really care. All I know was that she was finally there, sitting beside me. It was heaven.
After that night, we continued our daily routine. From Facebook messaging, we went to texting, and then to calling. We went out one more time, after i cooked her my specialty "ulam" and ate lunch at her apartment. Week after week after week, all i ever wanted was to talk to her, be with her, spend time with her.
Days into her birthday, I decided to buy her a gift. I bought her a stuffed-bunny, noticing that she's fond of rabbits. In my head, I would go to her apartment, give her my gift and confess my feelings for her. What i didn't know was that she planned to spend her birthday in Bohol with her mother and brother and her best friends. So i waited until she got back to manila. That Sunday, i went to her apartment, bringing a cake and her birthday gift. I didn't confess to her like I planned, but I felt satisfied.
Days dragged on and things started to change. Or maybe it was just me over thinking. Nevertheless, I never stopped texting her, even if her replies arrived one or two days too late. She said she was busy, so I made myself busy too, just so I can stop thinking about her. I applied for a job, and searched for an apartment so I can move out. I got a job, and found an apartment, and I'm ready to start a new chapter in my life. All that's missing was her. We still talked but not as frequent as before. but never have I stopped thinking about her. But something else is missing, like a clock with a fallen gear. I've been building up this feeling inside my chest, and I have to let it go, or I will explode. I have to tell her, I said to myself. I need to. She might not feel the same but I don't care. I'm telling her, and even if she ends up rejecting me, what matters is I told her what I feel. That's what's missing.
So one day i texted her and told her that I'll be waiting outside her building after office hours. I bought a rose and practiced my speech like in those classic fancy romantic movies. If I'm gonna confess my feelings, I'm gonna do it like how I always imagined doing it. I may get rejected, but at least I did my very best. I waited, ready for whatever answer she might say. I waited that night, and the seconds turned to minutes, and the minutes into hours. I waited, all night, but she never came.
I went home to my apartment feeling disappointed as I threw the rose into a random garbage bin.
The next morning she messaged me through Facebook asking me why I
left more than fifteen missed calls. Then it dawned on me: what the
fuck did i do? I scrambled for something, anything, a witty reply, a
smart-ass one liner to get me out of the big embarrassing mess I've
put myself into. I gave her an ambiguous response of how I missed her
that night, but even I myself found it ridiculously and annoyingly
stupid. She didn't reply and all i got was a short notice saying
"seen xx/xx/2013"What have i done, i asked myself, looking at her office building a few blocks away from the building where I work in now. I ruined it. I didn't know what to do next. It was perfect, what we had was perfect. It was all i ever wanted, and now it's all gone. I stood there at the open glass of our office, watching my world crumble down in front of me, like in that movie we saw the first time. And as i search for an answer, I blocked her on Facebook. I listened to my friend as she call on me for doing something stupid. I ignored her advice to add her and message her again. I looked at myself in the mirror and get amazed at how unbelievably stupid I am. Who in his right mind would cover up his stupid mistakes by doing another stupid mistake? The answer... me.
It's been months since then, the only connection left between us now are the common Facebook friends we used to have. There are times I remember her, so i open her Facebook account, look at her beautiful profile photo and hover my mouse on a button that says "add friend" but i never clicked. A few times her photo would pop up as she's tagged by some of our common friends, and I get an update of what she's doing in her life. I would search for her face as I walk through the streets of BGC, hoping that I would bump into her, but I think the universe have had enough of me. No more, it says, I helped you one time, you're on your own now.
I saw my crush's pictures on Facebook today, and I sigh as I look back and remember the few moments we spent together.
